1. Go to bed together. In marriage, we become “one flesh.” The implications of this are many, think about them. By going to bed together, I am talking about more than the realm of intimacy within marriage. I am talking about making our schedules as much the same as possible. Habitually having our own timelines for life is challenging to unity. Your job may cause conflict with day shift versus night shift, and yes, God’s grace is available when that is required.

Ge 2:24Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

  1. Get up together as much as possible. Sharing a morning routine has been an essential part of becoming “one flesh.” Our marriage has been more harmonious when we get up about the same time and spend private time with the LORD. It’s even better when we sit next to each other as we commune together with God.  Sharing together in the most important pursuit builds a foundation from which we do the rest of our day.
  1. Assist your spouse. Make what they are doing easier. The duties of life are seemingly endless, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, projects, etc. We all have our realms of responsibility or expertise, but when we assist each other, the job gets done faster (usually). By doing together, we not only help each other, but our actions affirm our commitment to love, support, and to journey through life together. Guard against being two independent people living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed; marriage is so much more. 

Ec 4:9Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.

  1. Sit together. We communicate love through our presence. It takes time to stop, but those moments remind your spouse that they are more relevant to you than all of the other things (even good things) that you could be doing. Our claims of love can be doubted when we never stop what we are doing to give attention to our spouse. The act of sitting shows we are stopping what we are doing and holding hands grows this exponentially.

1 Co 13:4-5Love is patient and kind;…does not insist on its own way;

  1. Exercise together. We have not always done this over our twenty years, but when we have, it has been enjoyable and mutually edifying. It is more than just time together. It includes taking care of ourselves together. Setting goals and helping each other meet them shows love for one another. Our brain releases endorphins when we exercise and the same endorphins when we flirt; working out together puts both of these together.
  1. Pray together. Prayer shows humility, neediness, and dependence upon God. We cannot please God with our lives on our own, and that includes marriage. Together we seek God. Perhaps this is praying together daily (not just at mealtime), in times of worry or fear, after an argument or fight, and after spiritual conversations. I don’t know why, but at times this seems awkward. I do know all our times of prayer together have been spiritually intimate and bonding for our marriage.

Php 2:3Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Php 2:13for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

  1. Worship together. Worship together at home and worship together at church. Yes, by this, I mean attending church together, but we must be more than passive in our worship. God delights in our active worship, and as a couple, we get to do this together. Worship together as active participants in church worship, but also in church ministry. God designed marriage to picture His relationship with His Bride, the church, how fitting is it for us to serve the church as a picture of the church. Be invested together in your church, you will be a blessing to your church, and you will build your marriage.

Eph 5:25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body.

  1. Laugh together. Laughter dies when we are too easily offended and what should be a good laugh becomes a “good” fight. Laugh at your own mistakes, not every meal or project turns out great.

Pr 17:22A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

  1. Husbands loving lead and wives joyfully follow and serve. When the husband fails to lead, things get complicated quickly because the wife will take up the slack. When wives don’t joyfully follow, tensions result from two people leading in two different ways. Leading and following are not popular marriage concepts today, but they are still a part of God’s plan. In our flesh, we can bend and break our God-given responsibilities, but this shows a problem of the heart, not of God’s truth. Over the years, I have learned (and still learning) to lead graciously, and my wife has learned to follow and support graciously. The more God has worked His way in our hearts, the happier and healthier our relationship has been. Angry/unloving/selfish leadership by a husband and passive-aggressive leading by a wife are incredibly destructive.

Eph 5:33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

  1. Be transparent; don’t hide. We gain each other’s trust by being truthful and straightforward. We have had to learn to answer the question asked, not the one being proposed in my head. Hiding or forcing our spouse to be a detective doesn’t encourage trust. When we set aside our pride and rest in our spouse’s love for us, we can be honest, even when the answers are ugly. In time marriage will expose all the ugly. My wife knows the worst about me, she has forgiven lots of ugly (see points 1,2,3), and she still loves me; there is no reason to hide. The gospel makes hiding unnecessary, and in our marriage, we mimic Christ’s love for His church.

1 Co 13:6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Eph 4:32Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

I am thankful for God’s grace in my marriage. I am thankful that His grace is still available. I am thankful I have a Bible in order to be taught by God. Thinking through these truths has both challenged and help me, reminders are good lessons. I hope in some way this 20 (Part 1 &2) lessons have been helpful to you as well.