April and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and statistically, that is quite a milestone. Someone commented to me, “that’s long enough for the rest of us to be asking for tips!” I never really thought of our “success” in that way, but it did make me consider some lessons, that by God’s grace we have learned along the way. Let me assure you that our marriage is not perfect and is still a work in progress. Even as I began to write these things, I was made aware of how often I fail at them. We have not arrived yet, but I know that God, by His grace, He will continue to build our marriage and home if we walk with Him and submit to His truth.

Psalm 127 is all about the family unit and how God must be the builder of it if there is going to be any success, “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1a).

  1. You are a sinner, learn to be less critical. In my fleshly pride, I assume my view is correct, and all other opinions ludicrous. When I start being judgmental, I need to draw a circle around my own heart and be slow to point the finger at my spouse. When I remember my sinfulness, I deter my overly critical heart or eye. Never underestimate how broken you are and how desperately you need God grace.

Lk 7:47Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

Jas 2:13For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

  1. Your spouse is a sinner. Learn to overlook. I am a sinner, and I married a sinner, but because my sin has been forgiven by a loving Savior, it is my glory to overlook sin as a loving spouse. Some offenses and conversations never need to happen. Sadly, we often have a hard time overlooking things that aren’t even sinful.

1 Pe 4:8Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

  1. Your spouse is a sinner, so learn to forgive. Lots of sins between spouses are not purposeful, but restitution must still take place. Be humble, be quick to discuss, be quick to submit to God’s truth, be quick to forgive your spouse. Forgive and don’t bring it up in a negative way, ever again. Never bring it up again, did I say that enough times? You won’t ever say, “you always” or “you never.”

Col 3:13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

  1. Don’t stop pursuing and getting to know your spouse. When dating, the pursuit is on, but in marriage, we can falsely conclude that the quest is over. Date your spouse! Learn to enjoy what they enjoy. Keep learning each other, we all change as we grow and experience life. Children can make this tricky, I have 5, but it can and must be done. It doesn’t have to cost money, be and do together.

Pr 5:18Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

  1. Say, “I Love You.” I made April wait a long time to hear me say, “I love you,” and when I finally did tell her, she made me repeat it. The words are not magic, but they cannot be said enough. Write them, text them, say them, and repeat them again.
  1. Demonstrate “I Love You.” It is true that actions speak louder than words and so learn how your spouse hears it and communicate it. It may be through affection, kind words, service, assisting, small gifts, notes, phone calls, etc. Love is most clear when it is demonstrated.

Jn 13:35By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

  1. Be faithful in your daily walk with God. Marriage is an excellent picture of a much more significant relationship, Jesus Christ and His church. We will never mirror God’s plan if we fail to walk with God individually. Your marriage relationship will be no more happy and prosperous than the commitment of your heart to God.

Eph 5:31“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

2 Co 5:14For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 15and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

  1. Compliment your spouse. Express appreciation and gratitude. Find the praiseworthy thing and express it. When shown with physical touch, the complement grows exponentially.

Pr 25:11A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

  1. Have Low expectations of your spouse. Out of love, serve your spouse, but don’t expect your spouse to serve you. If you can do it yourself, do it. By this, I don’t mean that you should not do kind things for your spouse (see number 6), but don’t expect or require them, in love they will. Test: If you complain rather than compliment, you have an unrealistic expectation.

Jn 13:14If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.

  1. Hug often. Hold your spouse. Take your time. No words are necessary. You show your love by stopping all other activities and holding them close. There is security in the lingering embrace of a hug. You confirm you feel safe ad secure with your spouse. You show you value and adore them.

Pr 31:11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

I trust in some way these thoughts that are now 20 years in the works, and by God’s grace will continue to grow will be a blessing or challenge to you. May God build our marriages for His glory.