Back in October I took a specialized course on Reconciliation at a counseling center in Jacksonville. This specialized training was so helpful as we studied topics such as listening skills, forgiveness, and mediation. As a counselor, I felt very comfortable with the topic and the information; however this course showed me another side of the process that I needed to understand when it comes to the theme of reconciliation. How do you solve a problem after both sides have gone through the premeditation process (the counseling), but a decision still needs to be made and both sides still disagree? For example, a husband and wife fight over the cleanliness of the home. Things are getting pretty nasty, and they come to you asking for help. After several weeks of counseling the husband and wife repent, confess their sins to each other, and are restored. However, the decision of the cleanliness of the house has yet to be decided. What do you do? This was the main concept of the course that I took.

My goal is not to reiterate all that went on during my training, but I do want to share a simple tool that had a profound impact on me. It is called IPI. This is an acronym for Issue, Position, Interest. What is the Issue that needs to be solved? How clean will we keep our home? What is your Position on the issue? One side says, “We don’t need to live in a pristine home, little clutter and chaos never hurt anyone.” The other says, “I don’t like the clutter and would like to keep our home clean and organized.” Now here is the helpful part: Interest. What is the other person’s interest in why they have chosen their position on the issue? This is a real example that was given in my class. The wife’s position on the issue was that she wanted a clean house. Her husband didn’t see it as a big deal. However, when he found out why that was her position, he quickly and willingly sided with her on the issue. You see the wife grew up in a home that was always filthy, and she left her home as a teenager. This decision led to many other poor decisions in her life. The wife had recently heard their teenage daughter say, “I can’t stand living in a house that’s dirty all the time.” And she was concerned that her daughter would make the same decision she did. Do you see how understanding a person’s interest on the issue will help both sides come together on a decision?

So the next time you’re in an argument, instead of doing all the talking, coercing, and manipulating, be the peacemaker. Be the listener. Work out the problem together in a God-honoring manner. One method that you can use is the IPI: issue, position, interest.